What Men Want From a Relationship

We have discovered a surprise stark contrast between what each sex thinks the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex really does want.  Is it any wonder we keep asking the questions:  What do women want?  What do men want?

The disconnect between what women think men want and what they actually 
desire leaves many women feeling a level of resentment and anger toward men, 
and feel hopeless about ever developing a connection that is wonderful, warm, 
and romantic. What men think women want from them causes them much of the 
same feelings and frustration.

The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that 
both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same 
thing. But, you don’t have to take my word for this.

In our research to help singles find that “soul mate type” relationship, we asked a
number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and 
development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. 
Their answers are unexpected. Discover the contrast between what men said 
they want from women and what women think men want. You’ll also find tips for 
women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful 
relationship.

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers 
questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They hate feeling 
like there is something hanging in the air, that is not being said. They want a 
woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a 
woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with clarity
and kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too 
critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or 
wants, and never to ask for anything. Most men want to meet your needs in a 
relationship, but they don’t want to have to guess what your needs are! Women 
think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply 
want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission 
to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.

A Tip for Women:  Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without  anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively without a lot of drama.  Don’t wait until things have built up inside of you emotionally before you decide to communicate your feelings. 

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation – 
either materially or emotionally. In other words, men need to be wanted and 
needed by their partners, but feel that their partner can function separately from 
the relationship with them. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to 
have her own friends and interests. They don’t want to feel like they are the 
woman’s whole world.  Men want to treasure time spend with a loving partner.

Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not 
need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing
a man he is needed will turn him off and possibly make him run away.

A Tip for Women: Men want what women want — a whole partner. The most 
powerful way to attract a great man and create a vibrant relationship is by 
creating a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment, not depending on your 
partner to create that for you.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. Men don’t want to feel like they have to 
read a woman’s mind and figure out that she wants and needs by interpreting 
signals. They do not want to be forced or tricked into moving faster in a 
relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking 
all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end 
of game playing, and yes they do realize that you are playing games.

Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation.  Women have this notion that men need or want to 
be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward.  Many women don’t 
realize that men need and value praise and acknowledgement, and so tend to 
only verbalize criticism.

A Tip for Women: If you want a successful relationship, leave the middle school 
games behind.  Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant 
length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship ask, 
without hesitation, for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his timeline.  When you ask for what you want, you 
have been thinking about it for awhile. Remember that it is usually the first time 
he has heard what you want and need.  Let him digest it for awhile.  Remember that acknowledge and praise go a lot further than manipulation, drama and criticism.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership in a woman.

Men want a woman who is emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is 
developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional 
experience. A woman who can laugh at herself and who has internal courage and 
strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics 
(creating the good and the not so good) and own it.  Women think men only want 
to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and 
growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men 
want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a 
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.
A Tip for Women: Men want women who are emotionally mature.  Maturity mean 
the ability to handle emotions responsibility, not hiding emotions.  To attract a 
great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your 
emotional experience and expression.  No one can make you feel anything.  
Nothing can change unless you express what emotions are coming up for you, 
own them and then make reasonable requests of your partner to help you deal 
with those emotions.

5. Men want fidelity and commitment in a relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a 
“roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many men 
define commitment as fidelity and the willingness to work on the relationship – 
even when the going gets tough.

Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for 
the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women 
believe men do not want to work on a relationship and that men have one foot 
out the door when the going gets tough.

A Tip for Women: Believing that all men cheat is a myth.  Most men feel that 
infidelity and “a roaming eye” are inappropriate and highly distasteful behaviors 
for both men and women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, 
and they know fidelity is the key ingredient.

6. Men want women who know how to treat men.

Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel 
inadequate with the intent of changing them or having them see the error of their 
ways.  Men want to please their partners, but too many women use the stick 
instead of the carrot to get their needs met.   Men desire more praise, more 
acknowledgement of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are 
great guys who are loved and appreciated.  This motivates men to do more to 
please their partner. 

Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, 
or their praise. Women also think men do not understand or care about many 
things that are important to women.  This belief leads women to criticize because
they resent feeling that the men don’t care.

A Tip for Women:  Most men want acknowledgement and appreciation from 
women.  Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of
the most powerful relationship development tools available to you.  Help your 
partner understand your needs and what is important to you.  Acknowledge when
you see their efforts. 

Having a soul mate type relationship comes when you understand the needs of 
your partner.  My very good friend, Barbara Magoon once shared with me some 
very good words of wisdom I have never forgotten.  If you want to be heard, 
speak and then listen.  If you want to be loved, love.  If you want to be 
acknowledged, acknowledge. 

If you want to learn more about creating a soul mate relationship, join us for the 
Soul Mate Quest weekend on January 9-10, 2010 in San Francisco.  To register for just $99,  go to http://yourdatingiq.com/soulMate_weekend.html and enter the discount code SQW99.

We hope that you will take the first step in learning how to create the relationship of your dream. 

Jeannine and Keith Kaiser
Dating Coaches and
Facilitators of Soul Mate Quest

10 Reasons Men Cheat

The 10 Most Common Reasons Men Cheat 

1)      Because the opportunity arouse.  If a woman offers sex, he might take the opportunity because it is an ego boost.  Men don’t get offered sex as often as women.  If he is offered a “no strings attached” romp between the sheets, many men will take it.

2)      They aren’t feeling attractive.  Men sometimes cheat because they want to assure themselves that they are still attractive to other women.

3)      You have grown apart and he begins an emotional affair with a woman with whom he has a lot in common.  She seems to understand him.  This is a slippery slope and often cumulates into a sexual affair.

4)      Your relationship has slipped into a cycle of endless arguing and criticism.  He doesn’t have the desire to have sex with you, but he still has the desire to have sex. 

5)      Your relationship has become too comfortable, like a roommate arrangement. Having sex with you is like having sex with his sister.  He will want to seek out some excitement and often it is through an affair.

6)      Your sex life is boring.  You can predict what you will do and for how long.  Routine sex lives breed extreme boredom.  If there is no excitement, he may have an affair just to break the boredom. 

7)      A man may have an affair as revenge for his wife/girlfriends infidelity.  He can’t get beyond his hurt feelings, so he wants you to feel as badly as he does.

8)      He doesn’t think he will get caught.  He is so smart that he can pull the wool over your eyes.  The thrill is in the deceit.

9)      If they had a previous affair and you let them get away with it, he might just cheat again.  Cheating is horrible, but it can also be a wake up call for your relationship and an opportunity to build true emotional intimacy while you work through it.  If you brush the affair under the carpet, you’ve missed an opportunity to improve your relationship.  Cheating will probably occur again.

10)  Sex becomes a race.  She wants it over quickly because she is tired, preoccupied or just not in the mood.  She wants him to cross the finish line quickly.  Cheating allows him to explore a partner who will take the time to have sex and enjoy the process.