Dating Coach: Is Romance Dead?

Today, I sent my very first TEXT message. I had to pick up my daughter Ashley from school (the very first time this year, because she has a ride home with this really cute Junior boy) and I had no idea how to navigate the carpool lane at the high school.  Ashley couldn’t answer her phone in school, a major no-no, so I sent her a text message to let her know where my car was sitting on campus, and with the sent text,  I anticipated her arrival.

Ashley was in class when she got my TEXT and exclaimed to her friends, “I got a TEXT from my mom.”  They responded with a “So what!”  The typical Danville mom is a TEXT message expert. But not me!. I swore that I would never TEXT!  I am all about the personal touch.  I will call before I email.  I will send a Thank You note, not a Thank You Email.  But today, I broke my code of honor and I TEXT messaged my daughter.

What happened to the common courtesy of returning phone calls?  What happened to sending Thank You notes? What happened to sending an RSVP to a party invitation or at least calling?  This has all been lost in the high-tech of our time.  We send a TEXT to RSVP, if we remember.  We send an invitation to our party via Evite.  We email someone to request for a date.  We fight with someone via instant massager or worse…email.  UGGGGG!

Is there any wonder romance is dying a slow, insidious death within our computer and cell phone.  Don’t get all indignant on me.  When was the last time you sent a thank you note or responded to an RSVP on time?  When was the last time that you communicated with the opposite sex the old fashion way, personally?

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my father-in-law (not faxing, texting or leaving a voice mail) and he asked me a really profound question.  “Jeannine, being an expert in love and dating, do you think romance is dead?”  He went on to explain how important romance was in his generation and how it contributed to great love.  I didn’t have an answer, but I had a very sinking feeling.  Maybe we have forgotten.  Maybe we have never learned!

Men:  When was the last time you held the door open for a woman or opened the car door for her?  When have you gotten out of your chair and stood up from the dinner table when she has gone to powder her nose.  When was the last time that you walked on the outside of the side walk as a sign of respect?  When was the last time you took her elbow and ushered her across the crosswalk?

Women:  When was the last time you packed a picnic lunch?   When have you sent him a hand-written thank you note for planning an amazing date?  When was the last time that you said “I had a great time.” without inviting him up for a night cap and…well dessert.

We’ve lost that personal touch.  I may be called a Technical Virgin for not getting caught up in email, or TEXT messaging.  So be it.  My husband calls me everyday…even after being together for 12 years, and tells me he loves me.  When I cook him a meal, he says “Thank you honey.  That was great!”  He will leave a note on my pillow in the morning before he leaves for work. It makes me feel special. Most of the time it just says, “I love you honey.”  I don’t think it would have the same meaning in a TEXT!

I will pack him a lunch of the spaghetti with his favorite sauce for lunch just so he doesn’t have to pick up fast food.  I might pick up his favorite hair gel at the store because I noticed he is low.  I will buy potato chip that aren’t Ranch, Salt & Vinegar or Sour Cream and Onion flavoring.  (The kids like those, but he likes plain.)   He always notices when I think about him.

So, to answer my father-in-laws question:  Is romance dead?  No!  It is dead only if you decide that the personal touch doesn’t count.  It is alive in our marriage.

What have you done today to bring back the personal touch?  We are all tired of messages that say press 1 if you want…!   Bring back the personal touch in life and romance.  It doesn’t take much.  A little thought…a couple of minutes more…a commitment to the personal touch.

This Newsletter is just food for thought. What can you do today to make someone feel special?  Please don’t use email or TEXT.

Jeannine Kaiser

www.yourdatingiq.com

Dating Coach: How to Keep a Man’s Attention

Have you ever been dating someone and thought everything was going great when suddenly they stopped calling or returning your calls?  Has this happened several times?  Did it run through your head that there must be something wrong with you?  It is one of the most frequent concerns of our clientele.  Read on to find out what you can do about it.

 

Dear Jeannine:

 

I keep dating the same kind of guys, the ones who ignore me and I end up feel worthless and unattractive.  I think they are different.   But it is the same old story.  Recently I was dating a guy. We went out a few times and everything seems great.  They seem really interested in me. I really like them.  We are seeing each other ever other day and the sex was great.  It seems like after about a month he start becoming disinterested and short with me on the phone when I call.  Then he stopped returning my phone calls and text messages.  I don’t know what went wrong.  I don’t know if it is something about me or something I am doing.  How can I keep a man’s interest?

 

Sally

 

Sally:  First of all you are half way there by identifying that there is something wrong.  My guess is that it isn’t about you, but it does have something to do with how you are feeling about yourself.  Those feelings are driving your behavior.

 

Here comes some Jeannine Tough Love:

 

You mention in your email that you are calling the men.  Big NO NO!  The men should be pursing you.  The men like the chase and you are taking that away from them.  For some reason, you feel the need to stay connected to the men you are dating.  It might be because you feel that they will forget about you if they don’t hear from you.  If the man is really interested in you, they will call.   It is okay to return men’s phone calls and to show them that you are interested, but stop being the pursuer.

 

The message that you are sending is:  I am needy.  I really want to be in a “relationship” with someone who will pay a lot of attention to me. 

 

You say that you keep dating the same type of guys.  It is very possible that is true.  However, it is more likely that you are creating the responses from men by your behavior.  If you change your behavior, you might just discover that you are dating some good men.  If not, you need to take a look at your selection process.

 

Take a look at why you feel the need to call and text men until they run the other way.  It might be that you don’t feel like you are a good catch.  You are afraid that they will become disinterested in you, so you stay connected, hoping that they will be drawn into a relationship.  The opposite is true.  If you make it really easy for a man, and he knows that you are really into him, the fun is gone.   Part of the fun of beginning a relationship is the slight tension of not knowing exactly where the other person stands.  I am not talking about being aloof and making him “work” for every piece of attention.  You want him to see that you are someone interested, but they still keep you guessing. 

 

Next, we need to address having sex early in the dating process.  Your email tells me that you had sex within the first month, probably early in the month.  There is nothing wrong with having sex, but here is what happens often after a man and woman sleep together: 

 

The man is thinking, “Cool, I’m dating this interesting woman and we are having sex.” 

 

The woman is often thinking, “We had sex, so are we in a relationship?  Is he my boyfriend?  What can I expect? Where is this going?”  Sound familiar? 

 

The woman’s thoughts then drive her behavior and she becomes more insecure, and in need of the man’s attention at a more intense level. 

 

The man begins to wonder what happened to the “cool” woman he was dating.  It FREAKS him out and he begins to withdraw.  The more she tries to draw him in with phone calls and contact, the more he withdraws until, POOF he’s GONE!

 

Sally, you aren’t alone.  We all develop patterns of behavior in dating and relationships.  This is actually a common dating pattern. Most of us don’t take the time to examine those behaviors and the reason they exist.  

 

Let the relationship develop slowly.  Let the man take the lead.  Let him call you to set up the dates, let him call you to talk, let him text message you.  You return his calls and text messages, leaving him wanting more.  You are a good catch.  Let your actions show this.  This is not game playing.  If you really believe you are a good catch, you will believe that you are worth pursing.  If he knows that you are totally into him, he won’t have to do any work.  If he isn’t doing any work, guess who is?  Unless you want to be the one holding the relationship possibility together, let him take the lead. 

 

You don’t have to have sex early in the dating process to keep a man.  If you believe that you are a good catch, he’ll wait for you.  Most men will try to get you to have sex.  It is just the nature of the beast.  If you wait at least 10 dates or three months, which ever is longer, you give the relationship to develop at a good healthy pace. 

 

Now, don’t have a heart attack because I said wait a few months to have sex.  The choice is yours to make.  But if what you are doing isn’t working, and you are still single, you might want to give this a try. 

Jeannine Kaiser

www.yourdatingiq.com

 

Dating Coach Speaks on How to Flirt

Learn to Flirt and Get Out Of Your Own Way

Yesterday I was at a well known restaurant in Walnut Creek having a flirting party with eight of my clients.  As a dating coach  I took them out and we pretended to be at a Bachelorette Party for me.  We had a blast and flirting up a storm with lots of freedom, because, of course, girls can be a bit more wild at a Bachelorette party.  We kept everything in good taste, but the success factor was outstanding.  Each of the girls was asked for their phone number at least once. 

Sometimes we need to stretch the boundaries of our comfort zone to have success in the dating world.  I help my clients get over their personal fear in the dating game.   One of the number one fears is making connection with someone at a singles event.  Both my male and female clients struggle with this. 

Is it hard for you to strike up a conversation with a member of the opposite sex?  If so, you need to practice.  The more you do it the better you will get.  Avoiding it will get you no where. 

When I go to singles events, I see so many people just sitting by themselves.  It reminds me of the junior high dances where the boys sat on one side of the room and the girls on the other, each hoping to be noticed. 

So why do we avoid making contact?  Rejection!  Rejection is never fun, but you can’t move forward in the dating world if you aren’t willing to take some risks.  When you open up and talk with someone, you do risk rejection, but you also open up the door for a possible connection. 

So, how can you make it easier to deal with rejection?  It is all in the attitude.  When someone isn’t interested in you, it is just because their needs, wants and desire are different than what you offer.  You might not be right for them, but you will be right for someone else.  Stop making it about things like:  I’m too fat, I’m too bald, I’m not good looking enough.  You just aren’t right for that person. You might never meet that someone if you aren’t willing to take the risk.  Stop taking it personally when someone isn’t interested in you.

Practice connecting with people in the “real world.”  (I mean outside of a singles event, bar, club etc.)  When you are uncomfortable, people can feel it.  The more you practice connecting with others, the more comfortable you will become and this leads to success.  My recommendation is to talk with some new each day.  You can be standing at the gas pump and strike up a conversation about gas prices or about the car they are driving.  In the grocery check out line, you can ask about a product they are buying.  In the Starbuck’s line, compliment someone on their outfit.  Just make a connection.

 
Warmly Yours,

Jeannine Kaiser
America’s Dating Coach